Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
