My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
