I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
