i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
