I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
