What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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