just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
