My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My boob is missing a layer of skin
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
