It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
