please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
