You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
