i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
