I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
