my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
