I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
