a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
