On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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