I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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