Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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