If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
