her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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