just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
COCAINE IS GR8
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
