My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
