My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
