last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
