If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
