Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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