By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
