i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
