You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
