I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
