Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
