i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
