My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
