my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
