broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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