oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
