I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
