i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
