Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
