I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
