I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
