My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
