I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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