my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
