so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
