it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
