____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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