When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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