ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
