Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
