You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
