Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
