i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
